i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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