I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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