i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
