my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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