Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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