Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
