I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
