she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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