maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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