yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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