I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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