does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
