Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
