I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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