i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
