I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
