Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
