Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
