He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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