Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
