R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
