Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
