Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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