I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
