I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
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you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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