i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
