I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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