I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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