i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
