Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you will always have a special place in my vag
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.