Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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