So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
