So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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