i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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