We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
