If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
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I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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