You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
