What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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