How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
