My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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