please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
