life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
