I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
