Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
