Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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