Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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