nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
