I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
