im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
