apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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