I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
