if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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