Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
