she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
