when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
