I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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