i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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