MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
