So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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