he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
