I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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